The Shore Blog

How to Bring the Beach to Your Own Backyard

1. Pack a cooler with your favorite beach snacks and drinks
2. Pack your oversized beach bag with books, magazines, several bottles of sunscreen, a hat, a towel, a beach blanket, sweatpants, a few pairs of sunglasses, a water bottle, your cell phone, your Airpods, your beach umbrella, hand sanitizer, a canister of Clorox Wipes, a couple rolls of toilet paper and anything else you may need to sit in your back yard (be sure to hit up the Target first and wipe out the shelves – you never know how long you’ll be sitting in your back yard!)
3. Have your husband complain about how much you’re bringing to the beach. Assure him you need everything you’ve packed.
4. Set up your beach chair, your cooler and your beach blanket – but hold off on the umbrella. It is only March, after all.
5. Put on some beach tunes.
6. Apply sunscreen.
7. Sit back, relax and open your book.
8. Enjoy your snack without having to hide it from a seagull.
9. Enjoy your drink without having to hide it from a cop.
10. Every once in a while, allow yourself to get distracted from your book. Jump up to look for your kid. Get pooped on by a seagull.
11. Invite your neighbors over to put their chairs directly in front of yours. Have them light a cigarette. Remind them that there’s a law against smoking on the beach in New Jersey.
12. Then remember that you’re in PA.
13. Invite 10 big Big 10 college guys to come play tackle football within feet of your chair. Get hit in the head with the ball while you’re not looking. Squint into your cell phone and google “signs of a concussion”. Be thankful you can do this without a protective baggie over your phone – after all, there is no sand within hundreds of miles.
14. Convinced you’re fine, lay back your chair back and take a nap. Forget to reapply sunscreen. Wake 2 hours later with 3^rd degree burns.
15. Pack up your cooler, your chair, your book, your non-protected cell phone, your water bottle, the sweatpants you wrapped around your bleeding head, your pooped-on beach snacks, empty White Claws and for gosh sake, don’t forget the santizer, Clorox Wipes and TP. Ask yourself why you had to bring so much stuff to the beach.
16. Go back inside, thankful you don’t have to walk through blistering sand and fight Sunday afternoon beach traffic from your backyard.
17. Repeat for the next 3 months.